Attachment – a useful frame for change and healing in the church community

(a summary of my presentation in Ahtopol. Audience: young Christian leaders and some of the older pastors of churches - 40 people present)

1. Framing issues

A joke from this week’s Bulgarian newspaper:

A thick neck (a guy connected with Bulgarian mafia with low IQ) immigrates to Australia. He comes back home and is asked: “What impressed you most about the country.” He says: “They have huge grasshoppers”.

If it jumps like a grasshopper it must be a grasshopper. The power of framing an issue is to help you see the details and to exclude other facts that don’t fit in it. Same with photography – there are images that enter the frame and others left out.

2. Attachment

(note: I used attachment theory in training pastors to describe the influence of others on their present understanding of God and ministry several years ago. The theory part of this post refers to a research on attachment, leadership and polarization that Rebecca Stone and I did this year. I am not going to use any of the references at present, will try to add them at a later date when I have more time.)

Attachment theory can be used as a frame in understanding the challenges and needs in our churches. Previous evening Nikolay Ivanov, pastor of church "Crossroads" in Sofia spoke about the need to know yourself, to be able to see self in the mirror. I will develop this further – how do I know myself through the other, how is the other a twisted mirror or one that reflects something about me that could help me change and grow.

a. Attachment – definition and brief history of the theory: "Emotional regulatory mechanism” - Bowlby

b. The two questions attachment theory asks: “Am I lovable and worthy?” “Are you worthy of trust and the world a safe place?” Depending on early formation and the way these key questions are being answered different attachment styles develop – secure and insecure, the insecure attachment are ambivalent anxious, avoidant and dismissive.

c. Shaping moments and the role of others – times of crisis in which the presence or absence of others could have huge impact on the shaping of the brain. Once attachment is damaged a person cannot talk their way out of the new patterns, only reattachment to another could help bring healing.

Differently put: if you picture a frozen chicken breast this is what happens to the brain in trauma. It freezes and the connection between the left and right side of the brain is damaged. The creativity is dampened and verbal expression of the trauma is difficult. A process of healing with the help of others could help unfreeze and integrate the past.

I the Lord, heal you - Exodus 15:26 (this sign is behind the pulpit in Ahtopol's church. Healing many times happens through the loving care of others.

3. Shared the story of a good friend. Lessons learned there in her journey toward healing:

a. Attachment to another person

b. Attachment to God

c. Attachment to a religious community

d. Reattachment to the person who caused the primary hurt

Questions I asked the group to think about:

1. The power of your past – what was your family like, what kind of friends did you have, what are your friends now, how do you tell your story and what are its key themes?

2. Is marriage everything? Should you expect the marriage partner to provide for all emotional needs? Where else do you get support? Where is the supportive environment for the young people in Bulgaria?

3. You as a leader, a pastor, a servant – how do you act toward others, what do you think is your attachment style? What kind of mirror are you for others?

Questions for the church in Bulgaria:

1. What kind of people are in the churches, what attachment styles do you notice and the way they relate to each other?

2. How does their past and identity influence the present reality of relationships?

3. How would a traumatic experience impact a person in their relationships in the church and in the way they raise their children?

4. If it has taken us 50 years to get here, how many years do you think will take us to get out?

5. Think of whole groups being impacted by the past – highlight historical events that have impacted the country and the church – what will it take to start shifting the dynamic, what kind of leaders do we need?